Real vs. Fear

Real Mental Health Issues found me tonight. And they weren’t my own.

Real Mental Health Issues came up to me in the baked goods section of the supermarket, just as I was debating buying cookies. Real Mental Health Issues approached, quiet and nervous yet assertive. Real Mental Health Issues started, almost whispering, asking if I could spare money to help buy an avocado.

acte disparaissant

August 5th, 1964: The classic film Bande à parte (Band of Outsiders) is released in French theatres.

December 14th, 2019: Anna Karina, one of the three stars of Bande à parte, passes away.

Late 2013: While attending university I am taking French language classes across four early semesters. During these semesters I become study partners and, ultimately, friends with a young lady whom I’ll simply refer to as “J”.

Salve

I really, really don’t want to stare at this screen. I swear, I really don’t. I swear I’m tired of it, not just eye strain but mental exhaustion. It more and more lately seems to take so much out of me.

It’s just that it also gives. It’s a give-and-take relationship, a real love-hate thing.

The worst days of contradiction come when no matter how badly I don’t want to use it I do anyway. It becomes a feedback loop of self-loathing. The screen makes me feel good – or at least not bad – when I feel bad. So when I feel bad about my addiction to the screen I go back to the screen to not feel bad about my addiction to the screen.

I go back to the screen to not feel bad about it.

They say, “Don’t run away from your problem, run towards it.” But while I know they mean something else I still feel my hypocrisy drag me down further, leaving me in the dark with the lone nightlight of this digital salve that only seems to help when I heap more on.

The solution may lay elsewhere but here and now, for now, I still hurt.

© 2019 Day By Day Mental

Something bites me

It bites my leg, hard

Bites me on the ankle

and won’t let me go

Serrated bite

and a very strong grip

I’m certain of it

Like a dog on a chain

so even if I pull forward

I can only drag it so far forward

with me

Then it chomps down

and reminds me

convinces me

that it won’t let go

a beast on a chain

is my own chain

dragging me

backward

and won’t

let go

 

© 2019 Day By Day Mental / Andrew Hall Writes

 

The Devil’s in the Comments

I read the comments. Why did I read the comments.

Reading internet comments is like looking for someone to poke holes in your sails. No matter how nice your ship is, no matter how nice your little boating session is going, someone can always ruin it with just a few choice words and a down-vote. But why do I seek it?

Compulsiveness

I’m feeling so compulsive right now. And not in a good way. Rather than caving in, I’m going to write about it.

Heartful

You know that empty feeling, somewhere deep in your heart

Like it needs to be filled with something

An empty chasm

You throw food and drink and TV and material things into it

But it never works

It never fills it up

The chasm remains wide and barren

Maybe it’s not empty

Maybe it’s open for another reason

Maybe it’s dying to let something out

Maybe your heart is so full of other things

Things that need to come out

Need to be expressed

Your heart is open

But it’s up to you to pour it out.

© 2018 Day By Day Mental

Fire and Flashback

“Grim flashbacks and bad memories.” – Hunter S. Thompson

Last Saturday was a bad day.

Despite what I thought was a good sleep, despite decent food, just despite all sorts of variables, things just turned to utter shit. It came from nowhere, deep in the subconscious ether of repressed noise. The gas had been poured without my knowing and it didn’t take much to strike a match.

Changes (An Update / Short Glimpse)

Without getting into a big thing on why I haven’t been posting here, this is more about posting something in general. This is a spur-of-the-moment bit of positivity and proactivity, as well as a glimpse of things to come.

It’s no secret to me or anyone reading this how much of what I’ve written about my mental health has been based on unhappy things, often with unhappy tones. And there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s important to be able to express those things.

An Example of Shame

It should be as simple as picking up where I left off. Or even just starting anew.

Years ago I engaged in a home fitness program. For three months it went really well, on every level. The exercise, the healthy eating. The fitness outside of the program. Just my overall commitment was, looking back, amazing.